Change: It's Completely Normal

If you have pets, you understand the comparison I am about to make. I have three dogs. They have a routine. They know we wake up; we go outside. Mom lets us sniff around; we get a treat. She feeds us, and we play. As the day goes on, we snuggle with her. It's been that way their whole little puppy lives. Any variance of that is a travesty in their world. There is panicking, and confusion, and to be honest, sometimes accidents on the carpet. Change is hard for them. Now I'm not saying I have gotten so upset that I myself have peed on the carpet, but you get my drift. In all honesty, I'm a lot like my pups. Change is a big deal, and rather scary.

We as humans have our own routines. We kinda expect that every day will be the same as before. We are safe and happy in our own worlds of normalcy. It's what we know. It's comforting. Any variation of that is terrifying. I mean really think about this for a minute. You know how your day is a little off because you got up late and missed that second cup of coffee? You broke your routine. You may giggle, but your day is strangely askew because of a minor change. For some it can be a pretty big deal to break with routine. We are creatures of habit. We like what we know. I can honestly say I have only known one person who absolutely had no routine whatsoever. She was a brilliant sun who went supernova. But that is another blog for another day. 

Now...we've smirked about small changes. What about the major changes we face? Maybe you're about to switch jobs, or locations, or you've lost a friend or family member. Whatever the major life change is, these can be earth shattering. We fear the unknown. When your life has been on the same course for a long time, and you suddenly have to detour, it can be daunting. It can take us places emotionally that we weren't prepared. When we are startled or taken by surprise, often we go in to fight or flight mode. We have a tendency to fight change. It's foreign. It makes us nervous. It is an invasion into a comfort zone. We push back hard to keep it from happening. We tend to revert back to the way the pups act. We protect our turf. 

It doesn't matter how many times it happens in life, change will throw us for a loop. If you really think about it, and I mean seriously ponder it, there are probably more changes in life than "normal" times. I don't have to list them. You can figure them out on your own. It's simply the times in between the next big event that we consider normal. So when you think about it, shouldn't we be better able to deal with change than what we do? I mean, if it's the actual normal in our lives, why don't we embrace it as readily as we do that favorite glass of wine or our extra snooze button hit in the morning? We learn so much from the changes in life. We have the opportunity to grow exponentially from these moments. Think back to when you were a kid. You had just learned how to swim. Sure, you know if you move your arms and kick your legs, you can go from one end of the pool to the other. It's just so safe hanging on to the side of the pool. The deep end is VERY deep and unknown. You see your friends diving off the board; they're laughing and splashing. It looks so fun and you want to be with them, but the edge of the pool is so safe. Now you have a choice, Stay where it's safe; stay where you know, or let go and embrace the unknown. At some point your need to be where there's excitement and fun outweighs your fear. So you let go. It's terrifying but exhilarating. You panic slightly. What if you've forgotten how to do this? What if you sink to the bottom of the pool? For a split second, you turn to look at the side of the pool. NO. There's no going back. So you plunge forward, your arms slicing through the water as muscle memory takes over. It's the best decision you have ever made, and you will remember this day for the rest of your life. 

So it goes. It's easy to stay where it's safe. It's when we choose to let go that the real adventures begin. For those of us who are planners, this can be a big deal. I am a planner. I had my life planned out from the moment I could form a thought. As I told a dear friend the other day, if I know ONE thing, it's that life will laugh at your plans. Life will look you in the face and tell you it does what it wants. The best advice I can give anyone is to learn to embrace the change. I have gone through a lot of major life changes in the very recent years. But I look at them now with fondness. I am happy that my life has been exciting because I never want to regret a thing. It's one go round. Make the best of it. Dear friends, let go. Let the change take you where it may. Learn, grow, and become a more whole being.

Until we meet again,

Sweet Steph Starr

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The Sweetest Things

It's been said that the strongest memories are tied to scent and sound. I truly believe this. It's easy for the "picture" of something to fade from memory, but a familiar scent or sound is like a travel through time. For those who have PTSD, this can be a horrible reminder. My grandfather is a Vietnam Veteran. He will not watch fireworks or sit outside for them. As a former member of the Army and a former EMT, I feel his pain. There are some fireworks that remind me of times my partner and I were in danger while working on the ambulance. However, it's not all bad. There are some memories that are the sweetest things.

My daughters and I have always played "remember when." It's a fun game where usually it digresses to silliness, but to me it is an oral history of our family and times together. For them, their history begins 16-19 years ago. I feel it is important for them to learn about the special things that I shared with family members who they have only known for a short time. I am thankful that I have a close family who also relishes in the people who came before us and who want to preserve the family stories and traditions we have now. 

One of my earliest sound related memories is of my Aunt Connie, who is my mother's sister. She was 17 when I was born. So when I was a toddler/preschooler, she was my idol and I followed her everywhere. She was a lifeguard at the local pool and also a swimmer in water shows. I adored her; still do, in fact. When I was tired, she used to hold me and rub my arms. She would sing to me, "Say, Say, oh playmate, come out and play with me...." I never made it through the end of the song. It is a tradition that has been passed on. I sang it to my daughters, and my aunt has sang it to every baby born in this family. Something about Aunt Connie singing and babies just puts the world right again.

As I outgrew the snuggling and singing, I made other memories. I am glad that I have these, because they have to do with my maternal grandmother. She has dementia, and sometimes doesn't remember exactly who I am. She knows I belong to my mother, but doesn't remember my name, It kills me that she has lost all recollection of the wonderful things we did together as I was growing up. My grandmother was a genuine 50's housewife. She went to the beauty shop every week, cooked three meals a day, ironed everything in site, made magical things on her sewing machine, sang, played the piano, and was always dressed to impress. On a side note, I literally cannot think of a time that lady didn't have on stockings. Kinda makes me giggle now to think about it! While most people recall a powdery scent when it comes to their grandmothers, I have to admit the smell of onions makes me cry. Not because of the usual onion in the eye, but because my memories of Grandma Mary are so closely tied to onion. There was rarely a time she made something savory that it didn't have one in the recipe. It became that no matter the amount of washing or lotions applied, her hands smelled like the delicious veggie. I relate having my hair brushed away from my face and the smell of onions as a normal thing.

The last and sweetest thing is my mother. I am so blessed to still have all three amazing women in my life. But of course Mom is always, you know, the Queen. So many wonderful things bring Mom to mind. I have to say that Caress soap is at the top of the list for me. Many of you know I work in a grocery store. A lady purchased some Caress a few evenings ago, and I was so overcome I nearly cried. Is it bad to admit to your customer that they inadvertently made you home sick? I explained to her that my mother used to scrub her face with that soap and it immediately takes me back to bed time kisses and middle of the night comfort. The sweet smell of your mother's skin pressed to your cheek. How can you not fall in love with that memory? 

There are so many awful things out here in the world. Yet, there are so many amazing memories to guide us, to comfort, to inspire. It is easy to bring a smile to another's face when you share your sweetest things. Whether it's a child's song, a strong vegetable, or a sweet and favorite smell, these are treasures to be loved and shared. Life's sweetest things.

Until we meet again,
Sweet Steph Starr 

Insert Generic Life Here

Generic house, generic life, generic car, generic strife.
Generic bills, generic fun, generic ills, generic trophies won.
Look back on your story and cry, once you lived, but now you die.
Look back and see, what did you give, what did you gain? Nothing. Nothing. It was all in vain.
You had the chance to be a splash of color in a world of gray, the ability to chase shadows away.
You stayed in the corner and hid from the light, and now your world is endless night. 
You chose to follow but you could've led, you chose the generic and now your dreams are dead.
Now you're stuck in the purgatory of what others said was cool, you believed them and you're a fool. 


Shut your ears, drown out the voices, it's up to you to make your own choices.
Don't let the world tell you how you should fit in, you'll always lose, they'll always win.
Be yourself and no one else, love each other but Honey, love yourself. 
Be your own super hero, champion and queen, conquer all and be nothing in between.
Live your life in such a way, that there will never be a generic day.
May your path be exciting and new, fabulous and sparkly and definitely YOU.
                                                                                                            --Stephanie Starr


This past summer, I made one of many yearly road trips to North Texas, where my family lives. On the way back home, I passed an apartment complex. I have driven by it probably a hundred times before, so I have no idea why that image is still stuck in my head to this day. Maybe I was a bit blue to be leaving my family. No clue what brought on such a surge of deep emotion over some plywood and sheet rock. But seriously, dear friends, that building depressed me. It was so unbelievably generic. Fairly new, but obviously hastily put together, Putrid shades of brown and yellow, even the paint seemed depressed. The cars belonging to tenants were even generic and pretty much the same color.

Why of all times did this poor building stand out? Obviously, it had blended in so well that in the three years I have been taking that road, I just had seen it for the first time. Whatever the reason it caught my eye, it has stayed in my mind and I have thought of it often. That poor, ugly building had potential, but it was never going to be more than what it was at that moment.

Such is life for so many; even I have been guilty of being "generic." Generic. It's like almost being an original, but not quite. We are a copy of others. We reflect qualities of others that we admire, but don't let our own potential and personality shine through. That is not to say that we shouldn't have role models to look up to. Even our role models emulate their role models and so on it goes. The people we look up to have their own fears and insecurities, but we admire the perception of their strength, beauty, or whatever. And that is ok. It is when we strive to be a complete facsimile of that person, that we lose every bit of originality. It is the moment we become generic.

There are so many beautiful people in the world who hide behind the generic Maybe someone has belittled their originality in the past or made them feel less than perfect. Maybe it was a look or a comment. Whatever the reasoning, so many people refuse to let the true version of themselves shine. It can be hard. It can be terrifying. But think of what you have to offer to the world! Think of your original self and the joy you bring! For many many years, I was comfortable to hide in the ordinary. I actually worked quite hard to hide me. I was a tomboy. I thought I looked silly in dresses and sparkly things. I didn't think my opinions mattered. I was miserable. Being invisible is actually not fun at all.

I'm a fake it til ya make it kinda dame. I am not always brave, strong, funny, happy, and Dolls, my eyeliner is NOT always on point. But I try very hard to be an original everyday. Someone, somewhere is watching me, taking notes on how to bring out their own originality. I love that my daughters look up to me and tell me I'm their hero, but I am so happy they are their own women. My life is a simply a suggestion to others. Don't be me. Be your own hero. Be you. You can be the contour and simply blend in or you can be the red nail polish on the white carpet. No matter what, they can't erase you or the mark you leave on the world. Be original.

Until we meet again,
Sweet Steph Starr





Image Courtesy of Google Image Search

Act Like a Lady?

   
Next year, I will turn 40, and to this day, I still hear my mother's voice at certain times. "Stephanie, act like a lady." She probably said it a thousand times or more.Just when I was having the time of my single digit years, she'd give me THAT look and utter that horrendous phrase. Talk about a bummer. I grew up with a younger brother, smack dab in the middle of male cousins, and a tomboy best friend. Being lady-like was a bit of an issue for me. At least the lady-like my kid brain pictured. In my little busy head, being lady-like meant sitting in a perfect pose, quietly listening to polite conversation, and keeping the wrinkles out of a frilly pinafore. (One can assume that I did, and still do, have quite the dramatic imagination.) Basically I assumed she meant for me to be bored and miserable out of my wits, because that's what moms do, right? 

Going with the dramatic and overactive personality I have, I used the mental pictures of Southern Belles, waif-like creatures, uber submissive wretches, and damsels in distress to concoct images of what a lady was. For someone who always had scraped knees and dirty elbows, this was a scene right out of a horror movie. Being the stubborn person I am, I could not be convinced that this was absolutely NOT what my mother meant. In fact, up until the last few years, I had actually maintained that belief.  I was a soldier and an EMT, for crying out loud. Two very tough and "manly" jobs. For me there was one way or the other. No in between. You're either a tomboy or a girlie girl. If I were ever to be called a lady, I'd often turn around to peer behind me in a very Three Stooges fashion. Surely you weren't referring to me?

Now before all my girlie girls get their bloomers in a bunch, let me get to the point. Being lady-like is a state of mind. While I am addressing women at the moment, this goes for men too. Being a gentleman is also a state of mind. It's not about the way a woman dresses. Honey, you rock those mechanic coveralls, sweat pants, or designer jeans!!!! Being a lady is how we respond, how we act, how we handle ourselves. This doesn't make me old fashioned, or even if it does, it makes me a contributing member of society. There is a very famous saying that goes, "Well behaved women rarely make history." I believe that one thousand percent. However, when I think of those women, I see women who broke the societal norms with dignity and class. 

Now more than ever, we need ladies AND gentleman. People who are not afraid to stand up for what the believe in, but do it in a manner of class and grace. If we have learned anything this past week, it is that there are hateful, angry people in this world. Yet, there are ladies and gentlemen ready to stand and change the world. See, young Stephanies of the world, you can be a strong, independent woman AND be a lady. A lady responds with kindness and love in a sea full of vitriol and hate, while maintaining an air of strength. That's what Mom was trying so hard to impart to me all those years ago. Being a lady wasn't about some archaic traditions; it was about my attitude and response to life in general. I am angry and sad about the world around me, but how I choose to respond to that makes the difference. So yeah, act like a lady.

With much love,
Sweet Steph


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